i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
