How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize