I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
