Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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