Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Randomize
