I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
