I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
