Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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