Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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