Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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