Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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