I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize
