Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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