im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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