Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
