naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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