I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
