There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
