So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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