Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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