So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
