so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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