I faked an abortion last night.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
