dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
