So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
