how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
