I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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