No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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