so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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