I heard we made out
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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