So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
