I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
i need some magic done to my vagina
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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