When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
