I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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