You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
