Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
