If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
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