We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
