Plan B is the new Plan A
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
