turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize