I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize