he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
