I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
