Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
