i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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