I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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