just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
