remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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