why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Also, beer. Big fan.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
