When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
