Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
