I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
My bed smells like the plague
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
