Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
