the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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