I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
