what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
