i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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