Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
